I wanted to kiss him so badly...
This is an update of a previous post. I haven’t spoken or seen Shaun since that night but I finally relived that night and my post. Thanksgiving weekend was lonely, bleak and depressing but remembering that night helped me climb out of a dark hole.
I wrote the following after going out for a drink with my staff. I knew I had feelings for Shaun. I want him as a friend and I want him physically. Each drink got me that much closed to leaning over and kissing him.
Lately, I've been trying to convince myself that I could comfortably live the rest of my life without a boyfriend. Alcohol and writing are the two ways I honestly connect to my feelings and emotions. I try to avoid both.
**What follows is the translation of a drunken posting followed by the drunken post itself but there are parts I have no clue about. There were several places where the cursor jumped and lines were deleted.**
I wanted to kiss him so badly. I’ve always wanted to kiss him but never thought he would want me to…until tonight. He wanted me to come out and have a drink with everyone. Had anyone else asked I would have said no. But he seemed to want me to say yes…like he felt the same way about me as I did him. I’m his boss, even if he only works part time, it’s still an employer/employee relationship for me and besides I’m currently a UFO - ugly fat and old. I’m fat now with is why I feel ugly and old. Take away 50 lbs and I’ll just be 41 and not bad looking. I have always seen him as someone whose league I wasn’t in – I learned tonight that he has just lost 107 pounds – you’d never have thought it.
He’s handsome, accomplished and intelligent. Thanks to a little too much vodka my thoughts began to become dreams and hopes. I just wanted to kiss him. Our knees touched and currents ran through me. It seemed to be going that way...like he was feeling me out to see if I was interested. How could he have feeling for me? He shared things that were very personal, things you wouldn’t share with just anyone…it would have to be with someone you trusted, at least that’s how I took it but maybe it was the alcohol talking…for the both of us. I shared some personal thoughts as well but not all and I think we both pulled back realizing what we were doing…at least I did.
I would give myself to him but would I loose myself again? He’s a Christian who goes to church and does volunteer work there…he inspires me.
Going back to the hotel, lost in my thoughts and feelings about Shaun, I became aware that I was walking in the same area that I had been mugged in last year. I didn’t want to care but I guess I wasn’t quite drunk enough. I thought, “Someone please mug me!” The physical pain could replace my emotional pain. I was also was just drunk enough to feel and remember the longing to love someone, to be loved by someone, to touch, to miss to wake up with. I have to be accountable to the group, I have to stay in the moment and in touch with my feelings, I could loose myself but maybe to be aware of these thoughts, he is the person who wouldn’t allow me to become lost. I find myself connecting thoughts…if that makes sense.
God, how am I ever going to make sense of this tomorrow? If feelings are there when I’ve had too much too drink. Then my feelings are there. I continued drinking tonight to release that part of me that wanted to just lean over and kiss Shaun. But I never did. No matter the consequences I need to remember the feeling I had for Shaun, for me tonight. I want to be with someone...no matter the cost. Why else would I be surfing the web…and devaluing myself so that I can be with anyone, someone, who would want to be with me…desire me…touch me…even for a few hours.
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